1 month of being a Junior Doctor

Assalamualaikum,

First and foremost, I can finally say that I've survived 6- years of medical school.
It felt like a dream. 6 years flew like a breeze.
Fast forward to 6 years post medical school...
Here I am, updating my blog after my 9-5 pm psychiatry job.

To be honest, I was quite nervous when I first started, who doesnt right?
The thing is that psychiatry is different from a medicine or surgery job.
Despite only working 9-5, I felt the job is draining, emotionally and physically.
And the downside of it is that no one will understand how you feel, because everyone else is working at the busy wards, long hours, weekends, oncalls and you only work 9-5 so you dont feel like whining even if you had a bad day, esp if psychiatry is your first job.

It has been manageable so far, but there were days that I felt like breaking down because sometimes the days were too much, be it dealing with difficult patients or feeling annoyed for doing a job that someone else supposed to do.
I stayed back after 5pm a couple of times because I was the only doctor left in the ward and the jobs that I was doing needs to be finished on the day itself.

Sometimes, I honestly feel I am quite slow in finishing my jobs because my mind still doesnt work the way other people do. Even its a 9-5 job, I do feel stressed out sometimes and its more of frustration towards myself thinking I could've done better. Sometimes I found myself comparing myself with my other FY1 colleagues who are currently in medicine or surgery, because they are more "exposed" to the real world and I am just confined in a tiny wards.

05:10

Things that I wish I knew before 25:

1) A person can still be really nice and encouraging and still be a coward and irresponsible.

2) No one should let you question your self-worth.

3) No one is worth your time and feelings if they don’t make themselves worth it.

4) It takes two to maintain a relationship, and it also takes two to own up for mistakes. 

5) In life, there are always people who will leave you hanging without proper explanation. No one ever deserves this ever. 

6) That level of hurt when you feel hurt, even in your dreams. Don’t let that get the best of you. 

7)  I thought it was the right thing to do, to keep people who supports your hopes and dreams. 

8) Before this I was oblivious, now I understand. Action do speak louder than words. 

9) Putting hope on humans = dangerous move.

10) Everyone will disappoint you eventually, even those who appear to be soft-spoken. True colours shine especially in the darkness, that’s when you know where their sincerity lies. 

And.. to the things that I wish to find.. eventually, those who :

1) Supports my hopes and dreams.

2) Won’t let me question my worth.

3) Is worth my limited free time and times that I freed up for them.

4) Is worth my “it takes two”.

5) Is willing to give me a chance to correct my mistakes and make things right again.

6) Won’t leave me hanging.

7) At least won’t hurt me in my dreams.

8) Will never let me doubt in anything ever.

9) Will sincerely stays even during times when I am not lovable.

You are not everyone’s cup of tea, and that’s okay.

Assalamualaikum.

All the love you have given to the wrong people- it will find its way back to you- from the right people at the right time.

Whether it’s a job that you’ve been dreaming of, or just something, or someone that you’ve set your heart to. When they are meant for us, they will come, eventually. And everything is just as Allah planned. All will come, in time. Perhaps you may have been delayed, but you have not been denied. 

Perhaps a chance that you thought you deserve, it might give you bigger damage than the catastrophe that you are facing now. And perhaps, it might be one of the hidden blessings that Allah bless you with. 

Every cloud has a silver lining. As a Muslim, we were told to believe that everything that we are facing in life is a test; every calamity and moments of happiness. Recently, I stumbled upon a video regarding why we got tested. The person said that perhaps it’s for us to learn how to be (more) patient and to train our mind to see good in every situation. What hit me close to home was the fact that he stated that how we kept on praying to be granted for Jannah, and maybe our deeds aren’t enough for that, and thus from the calamities, we learn how to be steadfast – and from here we gain pahala, compensating from the ones we lost (from the sins, from the solat and fasting that we performed that wasn’t close to perfect). 

I am far from perfect, only a human being who is still searching for that inner peace, and still trying to improve herself day by day. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t complain when all of these has been happening to me. Everything actually made me question my self-worth, as a student, as a woman, as a friend, as a daughter & as a Muslim. It’s a moment of realisation that made me fathom the true colours of people around me. Those that truly care, those who supports me in silence, and unfortunately those who don’t. And to those that gave me hope and left me feeling disappointed, it is also a reminder to me not to put hope on people but God. It is also a hard pill for me to swallow, but I finally accept that all of these are a test from God. 

I am honestly hurt, but the only mature thing to do is redha and pray for better days. It is a soft reminder from Allah that I might have been slacking, and maybe He want me to turn back to Him and ask for better things. We plan and Allah plan, and Allah is the best of all planners. 

Thanks,

Nabilah Sofian.

When you found something that you needed all along, at the wrong time.

"Sometimes in life things happen that can be difficult, and often they can be extremely painful. We must push through those moments where all seems lost. When we do, we can find a new us on the other side that is wiser and more beautiful than we ever imagined.
By working through these difficult changes in life, we grow into something new, better, stronger."

Assalamualaikum everyone,

I am someone who kept things all to myself, especially regarding my feelings. I guess its the first-child trait; putting other people's first before myself, preferring to stay silent rather than being upfront of my opinions, and not being able to have an honest & open conversation. 

I learned things the hard way, but I am aware that if there is a problem or misunderstanding, it is best to fix it. Or else it will ruin the relationship. This relationship can be anything, doesnt have to be a romantic one. 

And if I am really doing it ( an honest convo ), asking what has gone wrong and I want to talk about it, that means I really do care about it. Some people just don't realise how much effort it took for me to do this, which is clearly out of my comfort zone. 

I tried it once, recently. To the person that I thought would answer me honestly. Because I realised there has been a strain between us. Disappearing from me is definitely not a wise idea. Feeling puzzled and all cus it happened out of the blue. I do believe that I don't deserve all of this. I am not saying that I am a saint, but everyone deserves an explanation. Everyone deserves a second chance to ask what's wrong, explain, apologise and make things right again. And in my case, I deserve a proper closure, if that's what you truly want.

"Some people aren't worth it if they don't make themselves worth it." I used to think that you are worth it, but now after leaving me clueless, I don't know now. I wish I knew what's wrong. But I do know that I've done what needs to be done. 

It's painful to accept the fact that sometimes what we want isn't what is best for us.

And sometimes we don't always get what we want.

I have to keep on convincing myself that  most of the times, what we want isn't what we need (at that particular time). And sometimes not getting what we want is actually a stroke of luck or a hidden blessing.

Sometimes you truly found something (someone) that you needed all along at the wrong time.

Especially when that someone came to you when you least expect. 

I might have found that person either too early or too late. 

Or maybe that person was not meant for me after all. Who knows.

Yours sincerely,

Nabilah Sofian.